I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
