I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
