you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
