just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
