I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
