Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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