Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
