Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
