I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
