You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
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I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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