4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
