Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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