I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i dont even know how to be here
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
