nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
