Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
