You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
