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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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