All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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