I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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