thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
