just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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