Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
