listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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