She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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