Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
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from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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