I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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