There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him