I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!