She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
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Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!