I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.