peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update