I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
