I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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