look no pants
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
