dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Houston, we have a blender
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
