Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
