The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The feeling are messing with the penis
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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