weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
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drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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