i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
