3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She announced her abortion via fbk
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
