are you still at the devil's house?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
