every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
