I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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