my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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