dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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