we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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