just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize