I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
