Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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