Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
