I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
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What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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