In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
