am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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