I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You dont lie about slip and slides
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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