My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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