oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
As shirtless as possible
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
