I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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