please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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