Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
